09.05.2017; 21:17
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
I want to talk to you, I really do, but it seems like I just cant force myself to gather the courage and speak to you. I know that if I want anything to happen I have to be willing to have the guts to say something and speak up but I cant, I cant I cant.
In principle, it seems easy to speak to you when I’m not face to face with you, but in person I just get scared, so so scared… I wonder if you think of me too? I wonder if you think I’m difficult to speak to as well? I wonder if I make you nervous? Probably not, but its comforting to think that I am not alone in my nervousness.
09.03.2017; 23:31
The idea of you makes me so happy.
I feel like I’m rushing into this once again, falling headfirst into a pit of emotions and feelings, unaware of the perils that lay waiting in the uncertainty. Part of me is terrified; scared that you will realize I am not worth the trouble, scared that you will stop caring, scared that I will care too much. The other part of me is excited at the prospect of us, the idea of the convocation between our two beings holding any sort of meaning whatsoever.
I have an opportunity. I have a chance to make this work. This should make me happy, and it does, but I am so anxious because I get nervous, oh boy do you make me nervous, and I am anxious that I’ll mess everything up.
At the end of the day, this would be a dream come true for me; but I feel that you would be getting the worse part of the bargain. Because I am broken, I am not trustworthy and I am uncompromising. I am outspoken, I am stubborn, I feel too deeply; there are so many issues with me.. how can I expect somebody to tolerate me when I can barely handle myself?
However, you give me hope. Your personality and your maturity give me hope. Your presence is synonymous with a calm storm blowing across the unruly ocean, serene regardless of the destruction and chaos looming in the water below. Like the ocean, I pray that you can handle my recklessness and self-destructiveness. I pray that you remain peaceful and kind and good regardless of the terrible chaos I may bring to your life.
In the mood to sit on a specific boys lap and kiss him until I can’t feel my lips
29.08.2017; 17:23
One of the worst feelings in the world is loss.
I can’t even begin to describe how terrible I feel now that this outlet, this journal, this last known account of my struggles are gone. Over a Thousand now lost in cyberspace somewhere, hidden behind code and firewalls. I should’ve suspected that it would end this way; the worst part is that it went out not with a bang but with a whimper - it died quietly in the night with nobody as witness but the cold dark expanse of the Web.
In some ways, it feels good to start anew, it is refreshing to not have the baggage of the past enveloping me anymore. Yet, there is still a minuscule part of me that wishes this were not so; I found comfort in those thousand entries, those feelings of seemingly endless sadness. I feel that it is somewhat therapeutic to look back on where you were and where you struggled and be able to think, “I made it, I did this.” Yet I was robbed of this and the opportunity to say goodbye to my past and who I was.
It is important, I think, to remind myself that this is not a funeral. This is not the end, this not an attempt at replacement. This is metamorphosis. This is genesis, this is birth, this is renewal. Let me take in the lessons I learned from the past, from the Thousand, and become someone, something new.
What always shocks me is there are people I’ve met once maybe twice who are more relevant in my life than people I see everyday? temporary/permanence confuses me bc time isn’t linear and while relationships take work n effort bonds are different and completely transcend / ignore physical time
28.08.2017; 7:45 PM
How strange that somebody I used to know has now become a stranger?
Sometimes I feel like there is just too much wrong; different time zones, different moods, not enough time, never the right time. These are excuses I tell myself to make up for the fact that there is a fundamental disconnection; one which has existed from the moment you left.
How strange it is that we used to be friends, I used to mean something to you yet as of this moment my existence is utterly meaningless? What sense does it make that our friendship has withered away to a non-existent acquaintance; now we are merely strangers who share a past.
Its a very strange experience, holding on to an individual, or rather your memory of them, though in their current state they are the antithesis to your own perception. When individuals continue to change and develop characteristics which completely oppose their former ideologies, who is to say that either their past or present is an honest representation of their character? Who is to say that humanity does not just continue to reinvent itself over and over again?
They say that once every seven years, all the cells in your body regenerate. By this same logic, after seven years, the person who I used to call my friend does not exist anymore. The person who I grew up with ceases to exist, at least not in the way I remember him to be. If this is all true, what does that say about me and the people around me? Do I really know anybody?
ok so i made the mistake of standing on the beach in the dark and listen…….. listen. there is nothing that cares about you less than the ocean in the dead of night. it is tangible. you can’t fuckin see a thing. there is no horizon. it’s a ceaseless void and she cares for no one and loves nothing. you have to respect her bcs she clearly has no fuckin love for you and if she wanted she could take you and NO ONE WOULD KNOW
Eastern European home aesthetic
WHY!!! AM !!! I !!! SO !!! SENSITIVE !!!